2014. február 8., szombat

Can't even

I don’t need facts to know the truth. Most of the time it is a huge advantage, it saves me a lot of time and effort, it makes things easier, smoother and faster. And then there is this. When I would give everything not to have to know, while also standing in awe of the timing of one's mind. It just knows when it can let it all slip through the barrier between the subconscious and the conscious, not sooner, not later, and all this literally by the minute. He didn’t tell me anything per se, he just talked about a shock which – on first impression – genuinely seemed like something negative. In theory, I still couldn't know if what I think now is really the truth, although I am a 100 per cent sure. It is amazing how certain thoughts, perceptions, assumptions, fears and suspicions together with the circumstances, the bits of seemingly unrelated information, the intonation, the memories unexpectedly evoked and the general feeling give birth to an idea, which though at first seems to go headfront against everything I thought of before, in the course of about two extremely painful minutes and a series of shocks on my brain cells slowly and mercilessly emerges as the truth. It is mindboggling, uncompromising, unchangeable, indelible, unbearable. And then the pain comes, engulfing me in an instant so that it seems to replace my whole physical existence. This is the moment I lose control and I feel I am not going to make it, that I am unable to go through it or even grasp what it really means, I just need someone to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. Regression complete. Rocking myself back and forth with glassy eyes and a mind gone blank, howling constantly hoping that with the passing sounds the pain inside me would ease, little by little. And then the realisation hits so hard I literally feel the slap on my face and it is sobering. For a moment I feel I have never seen so clearly in my life, for that moment everything seems to be in the right place, at the right time, as if the universe had stopped moving forward just to give me this momentary insight, that of course, this is the end of it all. The end of unknown, mysterious forces working on my demise in the background with me desperately trying to catch up and get one step ahead of them. There is my answer, crystal clear, to the question. That this is the only way, that I have to finally let go, and that now I know what exactly it is I have to let go. No more metaphors, no more what does this mean or where to go from here. Everything that happened before led here. And then it just hurts so much it had never hurt before because this is not some manifestation of the real pain, it is the real deal. This is where it is different from all earlier experiences, but it is also palpable and manageable, it is connected, it flows, it is essential. It is finally there, visible to the naked eye, the origin of all my previous sufferings, the reasons behind repetition compulsion, the alpha and the omega, where everything begins and ends. Or more accurately perhaps, where everything ends and begins.

It is so true: truth, be it pleasant or be it painful, is always, without exception, liberating. And it is probably at its most painful that it is the most liberating.

I do know now what shock he was talking about. I just do. He is going to have a baby. He did not plan it, but it still happened because it seems life will give what they want to people who take what they need in the first place; him, he took it from me. The moment I realised it, I knew he was dead to me, I knew that the person I knew had ceased to exist and that I was finally, painfully, unbearably, irrevocably free.

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