I don’t need facts to know the truth. Most of
the time it is a huge advantage, it saves me a lot of time and effort, it makes
things easier, smoother and faster. And then there is this. When I would give
everything not to have to know, while also standing in awe of the timing
of one's mind. It just knows when it can let it all slip through the barrier
between the subconscious and the conscious, not sooner, not later, and all this
literally by the minute. He didn’t tell me anything per se, he just talked
about a shock which – on first impression – genuinely seemed like something negative.
In theory, I still couldn't know if what I think now is really the truth, although
I am a 100 per cent sure. It is amazing how certain thoughts, perceptions, assumptions,
fears and suspicions together with the circumstances, the bits of seemingly
unrelated information, the intonation, the memories unexpectedly evoked and the
general feeling give birth to an idea, which though at first seems to go
headfront against everything I thought of before, in the course of about two
extremely painful minutes and a series of shocks on my brain cells slowly and
mercilessly emerges as the truth. It is mindboggling, uncompromising,
unchangeable, indelible, unbearable. And then the pain comes, engulfing me in
an instant so that it seems to replace my whole physical existence. This is the
moment I lose control and I feel I am not going to make it, that I am unable to
go through it or even grasp what it really means, I just need someone to hold
me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. Regression complete.
Rocking myself back and forth with glassy eyes and a mind gone blank, howling
constantly hoping that with the passing sounds the pain inside me would ease,
little by little. And then the realisation hits so hard I literally feel the
slap on my face and it is sobering. For a moment I feel I have never seen so
clearly in my life, for that moment everything seems to be in the right place,
at the right time, as if the universe had stopped moving forward just to give
me this momentary insight, that of course, this is the end of it all. The end
of unknown, mysterious forces working on my demise in the background with me desperately trying to catch up and get one step ahead of them. There is my
answer, crystal clear, to the question. That this is the only way, that I have
to finally let go, and that now I know what exactly it is I have to let go. No
more metaphors, no more what does this mean or where to go from here.
Everything that happened before led here. And then it just hurts so much it had
never hurt before because this is not some manifestation of the real pain, it
is the real deal. This is where it is different from all earlier experiences,
but it is also palpable and manageable, it is connected, it flows, it is
essential. It is finally there, visible to the naked eye, the origin of all my
previous sufferings, the reasons behind repetition compulsion, the alpha and
the omega, where everything begins and ends. Or more accurately perhaps, where
everything ends and begins.
It is so true: truth, be it pleasant or be it
painful, is always, without exception, liberating. And it is probably at its
most painful that it is the most liberating.
I do know now what shock he was talking about.
I just do. He is going to have a baby. He did not plan it, but it still
happened because it seems life will give what they want to people who take
what they need in the first place; him, he took it from me. The moment I realised it, I knew he was dead
to me, I knew that the person I knew had ceased to exist and that I was finally,
painfully, unbearably, irrevocably free.