I am rising...

because through my entire childhood I was repeatedly abused both physically and psychologically. I was forced to experience that I am completely, utterly powerless because those who committed such things against me were the ones who were supposed to protect me. As it all stayed in the family, no one could do anything - not that anyone wanted to. I couldn't know my "sin" was simply that I existed, no child could, but at that time, that wouldn't have helped much either.

An abusive environment can have many faces: it can take the horrendous forms we hear a lot about, like rape, genital mutilation, forced marriages or child labour, alcoholic parents beating the hell out of their children and/or their spouse every day or literally threatening their lives. But it can also take the more sophisticated (and by that I mean not so easily perceptible) form of constant terror, exploitation and the occasional physical abuse that you never know when to expect, so you just learn to always do.

I am rising because everything that happened to me made me think that I am worthless, ugly, pitiful, ridiculous, deserving all the bad I get and deserving only that because I am a bad person; and that to be loved is something that you have to deserve. They made me learn that my only option was to try to destroy myself before they do. They made this my fundamental experience and my physical reality. And most importantly, I am rising because they also made me believe that this was normal. That to be beaten and humiliated and terrorised was the norm in child-raising. I am rising because if we talk about such experiences, more people outside the family might realise what is going on inside it, and realise it sooner. And hopefully, people inside families, too. I am rising because I believe that family can be about genuine and true love, about real belonging, about support and warmth and caring, and only about that. Without blame, fear and pain.

"No more excuses, no more abuses."